Well, did everyone rush out an get their new iPhone? There were people waiting in line overnight at the different Apples stores. There are just some things where I'm still low-tech. You think that being a computer nerd for over 30 years, I'd be on the leading edge of all the new electronic goodies. I've just started getting used to carrying my cell phone with me. It was usually stuffed in my briefcase, in case I needed it for road emergencies.
Mrs Murphy was chatting over the back yard fence to Mrs O'Brien
"Did you hear Mrs Flynn's husband passed away last night?"
"No!," said Mrs O'Brien, "was it the cancer?"
"Oh no," said Mrs Murphy, "it wasn't anything that serious."
This just in from the news desk at the
Shellman
Headquarters for
Intellectual
Thinking...Wisconsin bans sex with a corpse, the state supreme court ruled this week. Charges had been brought against 3 men accused of digging up the corpse of a woman so that one of them could have sex with it. The court said that sex acts with the dead is illegal because the deceased are unable to give consent. I always wondered about those "cheeseheads" from up north. (This is an actual new item from the Chicago Tribune).
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked:
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North."
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"No need to apologize, she just died and left me everything!
Speaking of being old...
Mid-Life Message
I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be....
Puhleeeeeeeze!
I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective... You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?
Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.
That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts."
Off to watch the Cubs game. One of the benefits of working at home, I can watch all of the day games in the comfort of my own home. See you on the other side....
