For those of you that suffer from
triskaidekaphobia
you probably shouldn't read the rest of this blog.
Yes bois and gurls, this is today's vocabulary word. For the uninitiated, the word means the fear of the number 13. I've done several blog about this topic, so I'll leave it at that today. For those that want "extra credit" points in this class, you can go back to those previous blogs and read them. then submit a 1 page, double spaced report, in APA standards on the topic. I've been teaching toooooo long.
Very uneventful week around here. Not much going on other that the storms that have been hitting the Chicago area for the past couple of weeks. I've bee reading about the heavy storms and flooding in Iowa. The cities that have been mentioned, Cedar Rapids, Waterloo, and Iowa City are southwest of where I'll be teaching this fall. I hope that the university is still there in August. Another worry is will I be able to find housing with many people in the area being flooded out of their homes?
So without further ado, here they are, coning at you in rapid succession...
Morris, a city boy moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well then just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "Whatever happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998. "
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Where's the rim shot?
The Special Forces, the Army and the Chicago Police decide to go on a survival weekend together, to see who comes out on top.
After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down to the woods and come back with a rabbit for coffee.
First up are the Special Forces. They don their infra-red goggles, drop to the ground, and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for five minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead.
"Excellent" says the trainer.
Next, the army. They finish their cans of beer and cover themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down to the woods, screaming at the top of their voices. For the next half hour the woods ring with the sound of machine guns, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood- curdling war cries. They emerge with the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done!" said the trainer.
Lastly, in go the Chicago Police. Walking slowly, hands behind their backs, whistling Sweet Home Chicago. For the next few hours, The silence is only broken by the crackle of walkie talkies. "Sierra oscar lima, suspect heading straight for you," etc.
After what seems like an eternity, they emerge with a squirrel in handcuffs. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the trainer. "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you to five hours ago".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. Day turns to night. The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the Police holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises.
"Are you kidding me?" asked the seriously irate trainer .
The Police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel who squeaks, "Alright, alright I'm a rabbit!"
And of course our weekly report from the cracked team of researchers at the
Shellman
Headquarters for
Intellectual
Thinking.
It was postulated that English should have male and female nouns.
The best submissions: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5000 years but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Going to go learn myself how to program in Visual Basic. 20 years of higher education and I never once let it go to my head.
See you on the other side.
