Stephanie Marie's Site

To quote Horace Greeley, "Go West." That's what I'll be doing this Sunday, heading west to my new teaching job.

I've been busy these past couple of weeks. A combination of finishing up an online course session complete with turning in final grades, getting together with my SO"s family in Milwaukee for a weekend, moving into the apartment in Iowa, getting last minute jobs done around the house and getting the details as to when they want me to show up on their doorstep at the new job.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old baseball players aside and asked,

"Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's bad sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' isn't it?''

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

Moving into the apartment was no problem. It's a one bedroom unit. Only took a 10-foot truck to hall most of the stuff from Illinois to Iowa. There are a few odds and ends that I'll be taking with me on my trips back and forth. Even though the price of gasoline is about 35 cents less in Iowa, we've decided that I'll be coming home every other week. When it's payday, that's when I'm heading home.

Living on my own means I'll be cooking more that I have been. I'm no gourmet chef, but nobody has died from my cooking.

I would like to share this cooking tip you. When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.


BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN

6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for popping sounds.

When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

As for the status of the Fabulous Friday Funnie, that is still up in the air. I need to get an internet connection (yes, the WWW is available in the middle of the Iowa cornfields!). that will probably take a week or two. I am going to try very hard to get a lot of work done on my dissertation. I figure I'll be away from a lot of the distractions here are at home.

I really don't watch a lot of television. Some one called it a "medium" because nothing is well done. There are only a couple of show that I like to watch. I'm not that much of a partier. Can't remember the last time I've been out drinking at a bar. I'll just spend my time huddled in the corner with my computer writing away.

One day, two prawns, Christian and Cecil, were drinking at the Coral Bar, discussing things that prawns discuss. One of the topics was the local shark population, on whose diet was prawns.

"I wonder what life would be like as a shark." said Cecil. "It would be interesting to find out what it's like to be the enemy.

Don't criticize it until you tried it, you know!"

"Well, I don't know how that can be done." said Christian. "I'm sure I wouldn't want to be a shark."

As the two friends left the bar, a huge bolt of lightning from the tropical storm raging above the surface hit the sea next to where Cecil was swimming. Lo and behold, he found that he had turned into a shark.

"Wow" he thought, "So now I can actually find out what life is like as a shark. No more cowering in crevices, afraid of being eaten, able to swim far and wide. It's fantastic!"

As time went on, he discovered that, not surprisingly, all his old prawn friends were not interested in talking to him. He gradually became more and more lonely, and started pining for his old way of life.

"Oh, how I wish I could become a prawn again, and be able to talk to my old friends. I wonder if another lightning bolt could change me back to being a prawn?"

A couple of days later, as a storm blew in from the far horizon, a large lightning strike hit the sea's surface next to Cecil.

Flash, bang, and he was once again a prawn.

"Oh, yes!" he cried. "now I must swim back to the bay, and meet my friends again. They won't believe what has happened. I can't wait to tell them!"

A day's fast swim brought him back to the bay where he had spent all his life as a prawn, and he immediately went to Christian's home, an old conch shell. As he knocked on the shell, he called out "I'm back, it's Cecil."

"Oh no, I'm not falling for that old shark trick." called out Christian. "If I come out, you'll eat me."

"I won't, I promise. Please come out and we'll go and celebrate at the Coral Bar!"

"No, no, I don't believe you. You were a shark when I last saw you, and I know what tricks sharks will play to get a meal. Go away!" called Christian.

"I'm not a shark any more ......
.
.
.
.
.
Wait for it
.
.
.
.
.
.
... I'm a prawn again, Christian!"


With that I'll leave you with that immortal line from A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: "Good-bye and thanks for all the fishes."

This is going to be a quick one. I'm off the the "Land of sky blue waters" (or is it the land of cheeseheads and cow pies? Maybe the land Farve forgot) this weekend and got a few things to do before hitting the road.

In honor of the Olympics:

Did you hear about Ole's nephew Torvald who won the gold medal at the Olympics? Yeah, he had it bronzed.

Sven and Ole went out duck hunting, and they worked at it for a couple hours and finally Sven says: "I wonder why aren't we getting any ducks, Ole?" "I don't know. I wonder if we're throwing the dog high enough."

Norwegian jokes are like peanuts, can't have just one.

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He pick up the head, swims back up to the surface and places it at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:

"Three long years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me !!"

A Jewish father, Moisha, was paid a visit by his eldest son Yitzak...

"Father, I am going to marry!"

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila..."Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?"

"O'Brien," replies the son... "She's Catholic..."

"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"

"I'm very, very happy," says the son..

"OK...as long as you're happy ... my blessings to you both," replies Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.

Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening.

"Father... I too will be married soon!"

Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises...

"What is her name?," implores the father.

"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."

"Oy," says Moisha. "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy, Father."

"OK ... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha.

Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray.

"Please God... let my remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes ... PLEASE," he cries out.

The very next week, Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father, I am to wed in the spring!"

"HER NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?", his father immediately demands.

"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah!

Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?"

"No," says Chutzpah.

"Hmmm," says ! Moisha... "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Beverly Hills?"

"Ah... no, Father," says Chutzpah...

"What is her first name, my youngest, truest, most handsome son?"

"Whoopi."

Got places to go. Students to fail.

See you on the other side.

Another month is in the books. Just that much closer to retirement.

Got some good new and some bad news fro the apartment hunting trip last weekend. I do have a place to move to when I start the job in Iowa. It's a one bedroom apartment, ground floor and really nice (considering what I'll be paying for rent). From what I understand it used to be senior housing (watch it!). The complex became available and the new owner desperately wants to start renting them out. The only draw back is that the apartment is 8 miles away from the university campus. Not a concern until those cold winter snows of Iowa start blowing.

From the politically incorrect file....

We all love to travel, and vampires too need their rest and relaxation.

"What better place than Rome," thought Count Dracula, and he immediately packed his bags and set off for a week's visit. He caught the first plane out of Transylvania and headed for the
Eternal City.

Tired and hungry after his long journey, he called room service as soon as he had arrived at his hotel room. Since nothing on the room service menu seemed appealing, he simply ordered a sandwich.

Dracula quickly grabbed the waiter who delivered the sandwich, bit him hungrily on the neck, drank his blood completely, and tossed him out the window, where the bloodless waiter fell ten
stories to land at the feet of an itinerant street singer.

The Count's hunger was great, however, and he decided he needed room service again. He ordered another sandwich, and when it arrived, he immediately grabbed the room-service waiter, bit his neck, drank all his blood, and tossed him out the window. The waiter landed directly on the same street singer ten floors below the window.

Well, you know how vampires are. They have huge appetites, and Dracula needed more. He then drank the blood from a third waiter and tossed him out the same window.

When the third Italian waiter fell at the feet of the street singer, the singer could only respond by singing:

"Drained wops keep falling on my head."

The bad news is that we had car problems on our trip. We had stopped at a couple of places to look at couple of possibilities, got back in the car and started the car. It ran a little rough, but we went to the motel to check in. After we did that, went out and tried to start the car. The engine turned over, but wouldn't start. Grabbed the stuff from out of the back and carried it to the room. My SO asked why I didn't move the car.

We had an appointment to look an some more apartments, Called the guy on his cell phone and he was nice enough to pick us up and take us to the locations. Needless to say, he will be my new landlord. When we were done, we asked him if he knew of a mechanic we could call to look at the care. "Oh yeah, my brother, but he's out of town."

Now the panic starts to set in. Here we are in rural Iowa, Saturday afternoon with a Hyundai that won't start, the nearest dealer about 60 miles away. The owners of the motel (an older couple, he's the publisher of the local paper for the past 40 years) were very nice and started calling people that they knew that could help us.

The motel owners were able to get a hold of the local mechanic and he came over. He was able to get the car started and drove it off to his shop about a mile away. I get a call about 1 hour later and he say that the car is running now. He thought that what happened was that the fuel injector got clogged. Put some stuff in the fuel line and the car has been running fine ever since. There are advantages to being in a small town. Everyone helps everyone else.

We thought we had problems, but then there is Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced
lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian currency?"

The really bad news is that we missed the combine (see above photo) demolition derby at the county fair that night! We decided to take a quick trip to the college to get a look around. Place was deserted as expected. Gave my SO a sense of where things are located. Compared to the state university from which we both graduated, really small.

We went back to the motel and walked next door to a drive-in restaurant, complete with car-hops. We order and then sat down at a picnic table to wait for our meal. While sitting there we watched the local police pull over a Chevy Suburban. Made the guy pull into the parking lot across the road from us. We were entertained as they got the driver out, hand cuffed him, made him stand away from the car.

Next another of the town's finest pulls up with a drug-sniffing dog. Then we see a female passenger get out of the vehicle and then the dog does his thing. Saw the driver being put in the back of a patrol car. Not sure what happened to the lady. Not sure if I should feel safe that the police are doing there job or scared as to does this happen for everyone that is pulled over?

And once again the cracked team of researchers at the Shellman Headquarters for Intellectual Thinking have done a study of Comparative Religions:

Taoism - Shit happens

Confucianism - Confucius say, 'Shit happens'

Buddhism - Shit happening is an illusion

Islam - Shit happening is the will of Allah

Zen - What is the sound of shit happening

Hinduism - This shit happened before

Protestant - Let shit happen to someone else

Catholicism - Shit happens because you don't work hard enough

Judaism - Why does this shit always happen to us?

Christian Science - If shit happens, pray and it will go away

Atheism - Shit happens for no reason

Agnostic - Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't

Hare Krishna - Shit happens, shit happens, shit-shit happens

Stoicism - So shit happens, I can take it

Scientology - Feces occurs

Rastafarianism - Let's smoke this shit and see what happens

Jehovah Witness - Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens

Well,back to the salt mines. See you on the other side.

Taking a look at the calendar, looks like it's Friday again. Working at home with both girls home, I lose track of what day of the week it is. Company last weekend, rushing around here and there.

Little Adam rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says,

"Put that away Adam! You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Adam whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Adam says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Adam, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father's old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Adam says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

This weekend will be venturing out to "the middle of nowhere" in Iowa to do some quick apartment hunting. I need a place to stay during the week while teaching there in Iowa. I plan on commuting back and forth on the weekends. Hopefully the cost of gas will go down some after the summer travel season. The garage is half full of junk stuff needed for the apartment. an not just the obvious things like couch, bed, tables and chairs. There is a couple of boxes filled with the things you don't think about until you need them. Items link a broom and dust pan, paper towels, salt and pepper shakers, and cleaning supplies. Stuff that you just grab and really don't think about not having around.

The Shellman Headquarters for Intellectual Thinking cracked team of researchers have discovered that there is a new Euro Language in the works. Here is there report:

"The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as
EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place. Sieg Heil!"

It is only about a month until I start teaching in in Iowa. I plan on doing nothing but teaching, grading and writing. All other activities will be suspended for a while.

Being the vain person that I am, I've been uploading some old pictures of myself. Most of you know about my love of music, particularly music from the late 1950's through the early 70's. So I decided to do a "Top 40" listing of my favorite pictures on my Flickr account. Fro those that have missed it I've been having Top 40 Tuesdays & Thursdays. Thinking that I'm Casey Kasum, I started at number 40 and uploaded 5 pictures at a time working my way down. The last posting will be next week as to my top 5 favorite pictures. Just remember, these are MY favorite pictures. If you don't like my choices, there a couple of guys from the South Side of Chicago that would like to talk to you.

I'll leave you with this one in closing. It funny, but true.

A black man talks to a white man:

When I was born I was black,
When I grew up I was black,
When I'm sick I'm black,
When I go in the sun I'm black,
When I'm cold I'm black,
When I die I'll be black.

But you:
When you're born you're pink,
When you grow up you're white,
When you're sick, you're green,
When you go in the sun you turn red,
When you're cold you turn blue,
and when you die you turn purple.

And you have the nerve to call me colored!!!

Have a great weekend. See you on the other side.

Well, did everyone rush out an get their new iPhone? There were people waiting in line overnight at the different Apples stores. There are just some things where I'm still low-tech. You think that being a computer nerd for over 30 years, I'd be on the leading edge of all the new electronic goodies. I've just started getting used to carrying my cell phone with me. It was usually stuffed in my briefcase, in case I needed it for road emergencies.

Mrs Murphy was chatting over the back yard fence to Mrs O'Brien

"Did you hear Mrs Flynn's husband passed away last night?"

"No!," said Mrs O'Brien, "was it the cancer?"

"Oh no," said Mrs Murphy, "it wasn't anything that serious."

This just in from the news desk at the Shellman Headquarters for Intellectual Thinking...Wisconsin bans sex with a corpse, the state supreme court ruled this week. Charges had been brought against 3 men accused of digging up the corpse of a woman so that one of them could have sex with it. The court said that sex acts with the dead is illegal because the deceased are unable to give consent. I always wondered about those "cheeseheads" from up north. (This is an actual new item from the Chicago Tribune).

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked:

"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North."

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"No need to apologize, she just died and left me everything!

Speaking of being old...

Mid-Life Message
I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be....

Puhleeeeeeeze!

I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective... You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.

We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?

Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts."

Off to watch the Cubs game. One of the benefits of working at home, I can watch all of the day games in the comfort of my own home. See you on the other side....

Happy Independence Day to all of those across the good ol' U.S. of A. And to our neighbors to the north, a belated Happy Canada Day, which was July 1st.

Not a good week in the U. K., I can imagine. Both of their former major colonies here in the New World celebrating independence from British rule. Or maybe the Brits are celebrating as well in that they are rid of all the headaches and problems that are going on here in the North American continent. The question on everyone's mind is: Do they have a 4th of July in Great Britain? Well, of course silly. They just don't celebrate Independence Day.

Quick one this week as I'm off the the Great White North again. Taking Kid#1 the wedding of a college friend up near the Twin Cities of Minnesota.

>A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his
point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.

"Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"

And now a chance to make fun o f the British...

Elton John and George Michael were standing on Circular Quay looking out over the harbor.

George pointed to a ferry and asked, "Elton, what's that?"

"That's a ferry-boat, George my love," answered Elton.

"Oooh!" Squealed George, "I knew there was a lot of us, but I didn't know we had our own navy!"

And our ever-vigilant team of cracked researchers here at the Shellman Headquarters for Intellectual Thinking have been hardly at work again bringing you their best in obscure findings. The results of their labor is as follows"

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They're moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION:
They're tiny women in little fur coats.


What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION:
They're tiny men in little fur coats

Have a great weekend. See you on the other side.

Well shoot (or a word similar), is it Friday already? This week went fast. Next week will go a lot faster as there is a whole lotta shaking going on (sorry, thought I was Jerry Lee Lewis for a second). Got company coming at multiple times next week. Have to got to the airport to pick someone up (just hope I can get through the construction. The local summer festival starts on Thursday. I'm going to go to see a Beatles tribute band called "American English." the online university for which I work is having an outing at the local theme park. And finally, my last work-related trip to NIU. End of the fiscal year and my contract.

A veterinary surgeon had been busy all day tending to one emergency after the next. Luckily for him, when he finally got home from tending to all these sick animals, his wife was waiting with the martini pitcher and a cozy candle-lit dinner.

After dinner, the couple had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 AM, the phone rang.

"Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is," replied the vet. "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of," said the elderly lady. "There's a whole bunch of cats up on the roof making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do to get them to stop?"

The vet patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone."

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"It ought to," said the vet, "it stopped me!"

I've been enjoying the nice weather here. Rode my bike to the fitness center the past few times, just a short 2 mile trip one way. Took another bike ride yesterday, first thing in the morning. I've been using the recumbent bicycle machine in the fitness center, but it is not the same as the real thing. My knees are burning going up hills.

I even moved my "office" out side to the deck. Get a long enough extension cord and you can plug in the power supply for the old' laptop. Got a few things done while enjoying the sunshine. Needed to write a couple of letters and put the finishing touches on a form. Get those already to submit so the powers-to-be can review them and put their seal of approval on my request.

Next week wraps up another session of teaching online. My brain need a rest. Teaching 3 courses with the grading and constant e-mails that need my attention wore me down this time around. I did tell the higher-ups that I only wanted to teach 2 courses for the next couple of 5 1/2 week sessions. Maybe then I can do some of my academic stuff.

A judge asked a defendant to please stand.

"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in the audience a man shouted,

"Lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!", the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"Tightwad!", blurted the man again.

"Quiet!", yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge thundered back,

"If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"

And from our sports desk... Here's a partial score: Hawaii 5 - 0.

The next 2 weekends are the preview of the this year's World Series. Yup, the "Crosstown Classic" - The Chicago Cubs vs. the White Sox. This weekend they are in the friendly confines of Wrigley Field. Next weekend the games will be played at Sell-your-Soul, I meas U. S. Cellular Field. My dad was a life-long Sox fan. I followed the team in the early 60's. After I got out of college, I started watching the Cubs. The cable companies where I lived at the time had station WGN (an independent) on their system. Guess who has been broad casting the Cubs for 60 years?

Roy Rogers and Trigger wended their way home after a most satisfying day at work tending the boundary fences on Roy's large spread. About a mile from the homestead Roy noticed a cloud of dust rising from the trail that led from home to the main gate.

As he approached, he saw that it was a large squad of cavalry soldiers led by Major Ted. As he came up to the column of troops Major Ted called, "Whoa!" and addressed the famous cowboy.

"Good evening, Mr Rogers," he said.

"Good evening, Major," replied Roy Rogers.

"Are you' heading home, Sir?" asked the Major.

"I am indeed, yessir, I'm looking forward to a real meal."

"Just before you go, Mr Rogers, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you."

"Like what, Major?"

"Well, sir, the Indians have been on the rampage over at your homestead."

"My God! I'd better get over there right away!"

"Just a minute Roy, there's more. There's not much left of your house I'm afraid"

"That's terrible, I've got to get home to my family"

"Hold on Roy, there's more. I'm afraid they scalped your five children and appear to have raped the girls beforehand."

"Those savages!! I've got to get home to my wife, she must be beside herself with grief!"

"Sorry Roy, but there's more. They also raped your wife and mother before killing them. All the cattle are gone and they put an arrow through your dog, Bullet. Most of the house is burned to the ground and they put poison in your water supply."

"Oh my God! This is the worst day of my life! But still, I'd better get over there and see if there's anything at all I can do"

"Hold on, Roy - there's just one more thing . . ."

"Yes Major?"

"Before you go. How's about a little song for the boys?"

Well, Happy Trails to you, until we meet again. I'm going to ride off into the sunset.

See you on the other side.

For those of you that suffer from

triskaidekaphobia

you probably shouldn't read the rest of this blog.

Yes bois and gurls, this is today's vocabulary word. For the uninitiated, the word means the fear of the number 13. I've done several blog about this topic, so I'll leave it at that today. For those that want "extra credit" points in this class, you can go back to those previous blogs and read them. then submit a 1 page, double spaced report, in APA standards on the topic. I've been teaching toooooo long.

Very uneventful week around here. Not much going on other that the storms that have been hitting the Chicago area for the past couple of weeks. I've bee reading about the heavy storms and flooding in Iowa. The cities that have been mentioned, Cedar Rapids, Waterloo, and Iowa City are southwest of where I'll be teaching this fall. I hope that the university is still there in August. Another worry is will I be able to find housing with many people in the area being flooded out of their homes?

So without further ado, here they are, coning at you in rapid succession...

Morris, a city boy moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "Whatever happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998. "

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Where's the rim shot?

The Special Forces, the Army and the Chicago Police decide to go on a survival weekend together, to see who comes out on top.

After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down to the woods and come back with a rabbit for coffee.

First up are the Special Forces. They don their infra-red goggles, drop to the ground, and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for five minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead.

"Excellent" says the trainer.

Next, the army. They finish their cans of beer and cover themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down to the woods, screaming at the top of their voices. For the next half hour the woods ring with the sound of machine guns, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood- curdling war cries. They emerge with the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done!" said the trainer.

Lastly, in go the Chicago Police. Walking slowly, hands behind their backs, whistling Sweet Home Chicago. For the next few hours, The silence is only broken by the crackle of walkie talkies. "Sierra oscar lima, suspect heading straight for you," etc.

After what seems like an eternity, they emerge with a squirrel in handcuffs. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the trainer. "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you to five hours ago".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. Day turns to night. The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the Police holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises.

"Are you kidding me?" asked the seriously irate trainer .

The Police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel who squeaks, "Alright, alright I'm a rabbit!"

And of course our weekly report from the cracked team of researchers at the Shellman Headquarters for Intellectual Thinking.

It was postulated that English should have male and female nouns.
The best submissions: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom

HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5000 years but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Going to go learn myself how to program in Visual Basic. 20 years of higher education and I never once let it go to my head.

See you on the other side.

WE'RE NUMBER 3! WE'RE NUMBER 3! WE'RE NUMBER 3! WE'RE NUMBER 3!

For those that don't pay much attention to the Wide World of Sports (I miss that program), Chicago is one of the 4 finalist cities to host the 2016 Olympics. In the rating of the finalist for the honor, The "Second City" was rated after Tokyo, Madrid but before Rio de Janeiro. The local organizers are having some kind of a rally in downtown Chicago today to celebrate. I'll celebrate when the city is actually selected as the host. In the planning of the different venues, there were plans to have the equestrian events waaaaay up here in the sticks, where I live. Only about 40 miles from the Chicago Loop.

I wish I had a good Olympic joke ... did you hear about the not-so-bright competitor? He took first place in the javelin catching event.

If the world comes to The Windy City, they will have to get used to some cultural differences. Our cracked team of researchers here at Shellman Headquarters for Intellectual Thinking have documented some of those differences.

Cultural Differences Explained
=============================

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Trying to get back into the routine. We went to the museum earlier this week only took us 2 hours go get there. The joys of travel during the summer. The route, I normally take was bumper-to-bumper due to the construction. IDOT (Illinois Dept of Transportation, just an "I" away from "idiot") is widening several the major interstates that go through the area. Guess which way I went? I'll know better next time.

The main reason for the trip to the Field Museum was to see a special exhibit on Mythical creatures. It was interesting, but didn't live up to the hype. I liked the exhibit on George Washington Carver. He was educated at Iowa State College and the campus has a building named after him. Had classes in that building, just don't remember the subject. (Shows what a great student I was as an undergraduate). He was a faculty member at Iowa stat for many Years before he went to the Tuskegee Institute. contrary to popular belief, he did not invent peanut butter.

The streets around the museum were a mess with even more construction. As we were walking from the parking lot to the museum, we saw a minor traffic accident. The first guy got out of his car, look at the damage and shook his head.

The other driver got out of his vehicle. He was a dwarf. He looked at the damage and said to the other driver, "I am not happy."

"Which one of the other six are you then? "was the reply.

I'll leave you with this one...

A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police station and said, "We're the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it really was Jimmy Hoffa."

The cop said, " Well, it wasn't Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"

I guess I have to get back to work. Places to go, people to fail.

See you on the other side.

And once again, life got in the way. I was working on this week's Fabulous Friday Funnie, but I got distracted and never got around to finishing the blog. After the power came back on (more later), I had some tutoring to do for my online classes. Next I was working on a spread sheet for another one of my online classes and got kicked out by Kid#2. She wanted to watch Rachael Ray or something like that.

I headed up stairs and Kid #1 was watching the Cubs game. I had given up on the "North Siders" when the score was something like 6-0 for the visitor. Well, let's put it this way. This just may be the Cubs year. After being behind 9-1, the Cubs came roaring back (kind of like Bears?) and won 10-9! For those that are watching the standings, both the Chicago White Sox and Cubs are in first place in their respective divisions. I know it's a long season, but I'm going to enjoy it while I can.


Ten Things men know for sure about women.


1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. Women have breasts.


After a short work week (like I'd notice working at home), it's the weekend again. It's party time around the Shellman household. We have a couple of events to celebrate.


First, it's my wedding anniversary today (May 31). I find it hard to imagine that my SO has put up with me and all of my weirdness for 28 years now. Plus there is the 2 years we were engaged before we got married. Been with me during the good times (new jobs, promotions and kids) and the bad times (traveling due to my job, losing jobs more than once). Definitely a keeper. Keeps me grounded.


I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN


I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am,

I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam;

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections,
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions;

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown,
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down;

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt,
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut;

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
Or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch;

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind,
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing,
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting;

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back,
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack;

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb,
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome;

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side,
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee;

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball,
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal;

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks,
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick;

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band;

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep;

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see,
Forget all about that old penis envy;

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true,
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe,

I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, cottage cheese;
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts,

I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west;
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,

And when I do drink I don't end up in tears;
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,

I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair;
And I don't go around checking my reflection,

In everything shiny window from every direction;
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,

And when you ask why get all bitter and surly;
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing,

I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring!
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back,

I don't carry our differences into the sack;
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you,

Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you;
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too,

I know what the time is and I know what to do;
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,

To have these two balls and stand when I pee;
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball,

It's more fun than dealing with women after all;
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work,

I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk!
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure,

I won't assume it's permanent by any measure;
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see,

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery;
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days,

I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise;
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true,

I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

When you've been married this long, the question is what do you get each other for an anniversary present. We decided that we need a new patio table & chairs for the deck. We worked it out and my SO gets the table top and 2 chairs and I get the table legs and 2 chairs. Went out and got them this morning. Not a lot of fun. I had to go to a chain store about 30 miles away as the local store didn't have the merchandise in stock.

On the way home, the wind picked up and started blowing things all over the place. Had a hard time keeping the SUV on the road, the wind was blowing so hard. At a new housing development along the way home, I saw some flags sticking straight out in the wind. The flag poles were bent at about a 15 degree angle. Read in the paper, the the winds were up to 60 mph and I believe it.

Unloaded the table and chairs in the garage in the wind and light rain. Having trouble finding room as half the living room in bing stored in the garage waiting for the new flooring to be installed. Get into the house, the wind picks up, the lights flicker and we lose power. Kind of hard to do work on the computer when there is no power. I move a chair over near a window and started to read. Lucky, the weather outside was just slightly overcast and some sunlight was available. Luckily the power was only out for a couple of hours.

The other cause for celebration is that Kid#1 will be turning 21. How did she get that old? We plan on making it a whole day affair. First we will go to the Field Museum in Chicago to see a couple of exhibits. One on mummies and the other on mythical creatures. Then it will be dinner at her favorite restaurant - Steak 'n Shake (none in Fargo). While the rest of the family goes to see "The Tales of Narnia" I have a class to teach. Two out of three ain't bad.

The cracked team or researchers at the Shellman Headquarters for Intellectual Thinking are still hung over from celebrating the holiday. So I thought I'd publish some of my research. I've bee asked what makes a good writer. So here's the list.

HOW TO WRITE GOOD 
 by Frank L. Visco  
 
 My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:  
 
 1... Avoid alliteration. Always.  
 2... Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.  
 3... Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)  
 4... Employ the vernacular.  
 5... Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.  
 6... Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.  
 7... It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.  
 8... Contractions aren't necessary  
 9... Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.  
 10.. One should never generalize.  
 11.. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."  
 12.. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.  
 13.. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.  
 14.. Profanity sucks.  
 15.. Be more or less specific.  
 16.. Understatement is always best.  
 17.. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.  
 18.. One-word sentences? Eliminate.  
 19.. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.  
 20.. The passive voice is to be avoided.  
 21.. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.  
 22.. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.  
 23.. Who needs rhetorical questions?

Got places to go, things to do this weekend.

See you on the other side.

I'm ready for a long weekend, how about you? For us here in the States, the Memorial Day Holiday weekend is just getting under way. This weekend signifies the "unofficial" start of summer around here (yeah, if it would get above 60 degrees, I'd be happy!)

This guy is driving his pickup down a country lane when suddenly a chicken darts out into the road in front of him. He's just about to slam on his brakes to avoid the chicken when he realizes that the chicken has sped on ahead, doing about 30 miles per hour.

Amazed, he speeds up to follow, but the chicken takes off faster and faster. Finally the chicken screeches into a turn and goes into a small farm. As he turns to follow, the guy notices that the chicken has three legs.

He pulls to a stop in front of the farmhouse, and looking around, notices that ALL the chickens have three legs. He says to the farmer; "Three-legged chickens? That's astounding! "

The farmer replies; "Yep, I bred 'em that way. I love drumsticks."

"Well, tell me," asks the guy "how does a three-legged chicken taste?"

"Dunno," says the farmer "I haven't been able to catch one yet."

While most of are out enjoying the weather (not here in Illinois), going on picnics, grilling outdoors (like the chicken above), let's not forget the reason for the holiday. Started in1868 to remember the war dead, we need to remember those that served as well as those that gave the ultimate sacrifice. My dad served in the US Navy during WWII. He was an aviation ordnanceman, fancy terms for loading the bombs on th PB4Y bomber (the Navy's version of the B24). I have a picture of him with some buddies in front of his aircraft as well as a photo of a formation in flight next to my computer/work area.

And once again our cracked team of researchers here at the Shellman Headquarters for Intellectual Thinking have come up with The Top 12 Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn:

· During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.

· His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a wireless modem, and a tissue dispenser.

· When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."

· C:\Downloads\Porn\2002\July\03\10PM-11PM\

· Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

· He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

· Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.

· When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."

· You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.

· As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

· During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"

· His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you. He pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.

· During sex, she shouts, "More bandwidth!"

I served in the armed forces as well. I was in the Air Force (the picture is me during that time). I was stationed in San Antonio, TX for 4 years, Both of the air bases to which I was assigned didn't have an active runway. My job - to make sure that the Alamo didn't get retaken.

Memorial Day is also the start of the summer movie season. I've made a list of the movies I want to see this summer. All I need is time and money.

• Iron Man - Mostly to watch for the cameo appearance of Stan Lee, the creator of Marvel Comics
• Tales of Narnia - Both girls want to see that one, I'll go along for company.
• Indiana Jones - Only been 20 years since the last one. Harrison Ford got old!
• Get Smart - Been getting caught up with watching the reruns from the 1960's
• Batman - The Dark Knight - Scenes were shot on lower Wacker Drive in Chicago. the building that gets blown up (oops! Spoiler Alert) was the Brach's Candy factory in the area. They did it for real.
• The Incredible Hulk - see "Iron Man"
• WALL*E - Animated film from Pixar.

I'm going to pass on "Sex in the City", never watched the show or "Momma Mia", never was into ABBA music.

The highlights of my weekend you ask? Painting the living room. Need to get it painted before we put done the laminate floor. If I make a mess while painting on the current floor, no problem. It will be covered up by the new floor.

I was thinking of using part of my ill-gotten gains (AKA the stimulus check for Dubya) to by a laptop for myself. May come in handy when traveling back and forth to Iowa. I just hope the sales person(kid) is knowledgable.

ABBOTT and COSTELLO Buy A Computer In today's world, Bud ABBOTT and Lou COSTELLO's famous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this....

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of
Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer?
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START" . .

Enjoy the weekend, see you on the other side.

Ya, sure, you bet cha, don't ya know there, then. That's my best Norwegian accent. Loses something in translation.

Heading off to the Fargo area this weekend to retrieve Kid#1 this weekend. She had finished her classes up there at the university a week ago, so now we need to bring her home. We stored her at grandma and grandpa's place for the past week.

The situation is not as bad as it sounds. Both daughter's finished there classes at their respective universities. Kid#2 was flying in last Saturday and expected us to be there to pick her up. We couldn't make the round trip to Fargo for the other kid on the same weekend. It all works out. Kid#1 doesn't mind staying with her grandparents as they have kept an eye on here while shes has been away at school. Kid#2 want to see grandma and grandpa, so she's coming with us.

Today's Fabulous Friday Fact: Founded in 1910, Olsen Fish Co. in Minneapolis is the world's largest lutefisk (had it once, a bit slimy for my taste) processor. the company processes about 650,000 pounds of the Norwegian dried code each year, shipping to Scandinavian communities across the US. People actually by this stuff?!?

One day, a scuba diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. Looking around, he noticed a guy at the same depth but without any scuba gear on. The diver decided to go down
another 20 feet.

He took another look around, and lo and behold, there was the same guy.

"I can't believe it," thought the scuba diver, "I bet he can't go down another 25 feet."

So the diver goes down another 25 feet and, again, there is the guy! Totally amazed, the scuba diver pulls out a chalkboard and writes;

"How the heck are you able to go so deep and stay under so long without any equipment?"

The guy grabs the chalkboard and writes,

"I'm drowning you moron!"

I spent this morning working on a couple of documents needed for the collection of data for my dissertation. The first document was the questionnaire to collect demographic data about the "subjects" that I hope will participate in my study. Just boring stuff like age, gender (male, female, undecided) and frequencies that they use humor. I'm learning how to write "academic" in doing this survey. This form of writing is more verbose, redundant to the point of repeating ones self and just a lot of words to say something. It's hard for me to take something that I would normally write in a page and expand the content to 2 or 3 times the length. I come from a business background where you write to the point and get on with it. I have always followed the KISS principle - Keep It Simple Stephanie.

The other document is a form for the Institutional Review Board. In conducting my data collection I have to describe what data I'll be collecting and from whom. There was a section in there that say that those that participate in completing my surveys will be recruited (the Louisville Slugger method, or any other blunt instrument works for me) and they not be harmed (Damn, that takes all the fun out of it!). I will be doing this online, so there was a part on the form that states I will be using 100% recycled electrons while collecting data. The last section I worked on was a question about how the data will be dispose when I'm done. A big bonfire comes to mind...

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

I'm starting to get things ready for my temporary (if you call 9 months temporary) to Iowa. Started collecting everyday stuff that I'll need while I'm teaching in Iowa. Things that you need that you don't think about until you have to move like cooking utensils, plates and silverware, pots and pans. We somehow ended up with a bunch of that when my SO;s great uncle passed away a year ago. We were saving it for when Kid#1 gets her own apartment.

Good news - Bad news for northeastern Iowa (not this again!). The bad news is that there was an INS (Immigration & Naturalization Service) raid on meat processing plant in a town just north of where I'll be teaching. Over 300 illegal immigrants were caught in what is called the biggest in INS history. Many were released for humanitarian reasons - they had children. Some of the men were being held in a near by county fairgrounds. Good news - if this teaching gig doesn't work out, I know where I can find a job in the area!

Passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for the flight to leave. They were getting a little impatient, but the airport staff had assured them that the pilots would be there soon, and the flight could take off immediately after that.

The door opened, and two men walked up the aisle dressed in pilot uniforms - both wearing dark glasses. One was using a seeing-eye dog, and the other was tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spread through the cabin as the men entered the cockpit. The door closed and the engines started up. The passengers began to glance nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a little practical joke. None was forthcoming.

The plane moved faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realized that they were headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it began to look as though the plane would never take off and that it would plow into the water, panicked screams began to fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air.

The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly, and soon they had all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turned to the pilot and said, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

With that, I guess I'll be taking off as well. I"m sure that there were so me screams while reading this blog. Going to watch the Chicago Cubs play another day game in the "Friendly Confines" of Wrigley Field. One of the benefits of teaching online courses.

See you on the other side.

I apologize for being late with this week's FFF. I know the 5 or 6 of you that read this blog regularly went through some minor withdrawal symptoms. I've been very busy this past week. It a good news - bad news type situation.

Let's start from the beginning, 10 times out of 9 a good place to start. Ya can't tell I have a minor in mathematics, can ya? A little over a week ago, I had a job interview with a local community college. It was for an administrative position. I think I applied just for grins, thinking that I would never hear from them again. Your typical interview, first meeting the higher ups who have no clue who you are. Next, a seven member search committee sitting around a table firing questions at you. No signs of torture that can bee seen. Then the fun began. I was handed a 1 page problem scenario, put into the dungeon with a laptop and told to write a report on how to solve the given problem in 2 hours. I can up with something. My solution was that I couldn't approve the request in the problem because I lacked some information. Having that info, I could have made a positive recommendation. Oh, well, didn't want to get stuck behind a desk writing reports for the rest of my life anyways.

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope to ask for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words."

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.

"Listen your Excellency, I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate.

"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."

"Let me get back to you." Says the Pope.

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

That little change in my schedule put me behind in getting things accomplished. Then I had another job interview on Tuesday of last week. This was for a 1 year appointment as a "visiting professor", teaching computer stuff in a private university in northeastern Iowa (see January 4, 2008 blog for Iowa jokes). I must have wanted this job bad in that I drove for 5 hours one way for the 4 hour interview process.

I met the people with whom I had talked on the phone for an interview. Got a tour of the campus from the university president.

The fun part of this interview was a teaching demonstration. I love getting up in form of perfect strangers so that I can make a complete fool of myself. I turned on the charm and either dazzled them with brilliance or baffled them with BS. One of the main classes that this job has me teaching is a Microsquish Office (2007 version, need to find where they hid all of the stuff I normally use). I even showed the professors that have been teaching the course a thing or two. Am I good or what (probably "or what")?

This is really small town when the school is located. In unison now, "How small is it?" the town is so small that the "You are entering..." and "You are leaving ..." are on the same sign. Didn't get to see much of the town, but don't remember seeing a stop light.

Our cracked team of researches here at Shellman Headquarters for Intellectual Thinking has found the following about living in a small town:

• The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
• The local phone book has only one yellow page.
• Third Street is on the edge of town.
• You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
• You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.
• No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
• You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.
• Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.
• The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.
• The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.
• The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2.
• The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions.
• The phone book has only one page.
• There's nothing doing every minute.The ZIP / Postal code is a fraction.
• Second Street is in the next town over.
• There's no place to go that you shouldn't.
• A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.
• The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.
• The New Year's baby was born in October.

Traveling all over got me behind in grading assignments for the online classes I teach. The last assignment was a royal pain. Three parts to the assignment, had to find where the students submitted the parts as there were multiple places in which the assignment could have been submitted, had to read part and determine an overall score . I spent most of Friday and Saturday grading stuff. After reading the same load of crap, my eyes start to glaze over and I have to walk away for a while.

A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.

He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam." She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what would you like?"

The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly... That's what I'd like. What I *need* is a new tie! "

I went to my job at NIU the next day to put out a small problem. Someone had deleted the files where the different documents for the web site were being stored. Once again, I'm the 10% that didn't get the memo! Fixed things as best as I could and started a new system to store the electronic documents needed for the department.

So here is the Good news - Bad news part.

When I got home from DeKalb, there was a phone message from the Iowa people. I know something was up because while I was in the office fixing the web problem, 2 of my professors told me that some one with a east Indian name called for a reference.

The good news is that I have a job starting in mid August.

The bad news, is that I will be in Iowa by myself as my spouse really doesn't want to move to Iowa for 9 months.

The good news is that I will have fewer distractions to work on my dissertation.

The bad news is that I may spend a lot of time on the weekends traveling between Iowa and home.

The good news is that the entire campus is wireless, so that I'll have access to the internet.

The bad news is getting an internet connection set up to where ever I move. Don't think they will let me sleep in the office.

Oh yeah, the picture. The mascot of the university is the "Peacocks"! Actually I will be a peahen. The species is called peafowl, with the male being a peacock and, obviously, the female a peahen.

Here's something to ponder until next week. Why is it that in the animal kingdom the male is the brightly colored gender of species (especially birds) and the female is the drab one except for the human species?

I gotta start getting things packed for Iowa. Haven't worn anything but t-shirts and jeans for the past year. I think I have to were something a little more appropriate for teaching face-to-face classes.

See you on the other side.

Some sad new to report this week. Famed Swiss chemist Albert Hofmann passed away this week at the age of 102. Who is this gentleman you ask? He is famous for studying the chemistry of ergot, the name of a fungus that grows on rye, barley, and other similar plants. So what did he do with this compound? (Gee, you ask a lot of questions!) In 1938 he synthesized lysergic acid diethylamide. Say what? A compound more well know by its initials - LSD. Ah yes, living through better chemistry.

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge,

"Your honor, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem"

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex in AOL chat rooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!"

"Secondly, your honor," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce a receipt for the 48-speed CD-ROM."

"48-speed CD-ROM?" queries the judge.

"Yes your honor, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this *information* is cybersex related... Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling,"comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days."

"Thirdly your honor, my client can produce a receipt for the Super Deluxe Inflatable Milk Maid, whatever *that* is."

"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the judge.

Remodeling of the living room is going slowly. The carpet, padding and tack strips have been removed and have the subfloor showing. A couple of walls are still a work in progress. Most of the wallpaper has been removed, but we are still trying to remove the adhesive residue. We are now officially calling the state of the room, "Trailer Trash Modern". Hopefully we will get the painting done and the flooring put down in the next few weeks.

As you know I work out 3 time a week, first thing in the morning. And once again, the cracked research team at the Shellman Headquarters for Intellectual Thinking have found the following about exercise:

The Potter Philosophy on Exercising

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

11. I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.


Now unlike Potter, I know that physical exercise is good for you. I've listed below my program of strenuous activities. You are invited to use my program without charge.

1) Beating around the bush
2) Jumping to conclusions
3) Climbing the walls
4) Swallowing my pride
5) Passing the buck
6) Throwing my weight around
7) Dragging my heels
8) Pushing my luck
9) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Tooting my own horn
17) Climbing the ladder of success
18) Pulling out the stops
19) Adding fuel to the fire
20) Opening a can of worms
21) Putting my foot in my mouth
22) Starting the ball rolling
23) Going over the edge
24) Picking up the pieces

Happy Exercising!

For those of Mexican Heritage, next Monday is Cinco de Mayo. So, why Cinco de Mayo? And why should Americans savor this day as well? Because 4,000 Mexican soldiers smashed the French and traitor Mexican army of 8,000 at Puebla, Mexico, 100 miles east of Mexico City on the morning of May 5, 1862.

And here is a VERY politically incorrect story to go along with the thought.

Juan had been caught trying to cross the border from Mexico in to the US.

"But, I'm an American citizen," he protested.

"We'll see." Said the border patrol officer. "I've got a test for you," I'll lwet you go if you can use the words 'green, pink and yellow" in a sentence."

"No problem," says Juan. "The phone goes 'green, green', I pink it up and say 'Yellow!"

I'm going to quit while I'm ahead (or still have one).

See you on the other side.

All quiet on the Western front ... (That would be a great title for a novel!)

Been a uneventful week. I'm getting settled in to my new routine. Get up and go work out. Come home and eat breakfast. Go to the library and work on my dissertation. Have lunch with my SO. Grade assignments, answer e- mails and tutor for my online courses. Eat supper. Go back and do some more stuff for the online courses. Fall asleep while watching the 10PM news. Go to bed and start it all over again.

I'm thinking that Mother's Day is coming up in a couple of weeks. I guess I need to get a couple of cards and maybe a present.

After spending so much time working, Lee thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.

"That's a bit much," said Lee, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Lee complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Lee, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

And now to our Sports desk...

On Wednesday, April 23, 2008, the Chicago National League franchise (they weren't always named the "Cubs") won the 10,000 game in their history. In typical Cub fashion, they almost let this victory get away, defeating the Colorado Rockies in 10 innings (9 innings is a regulation game for those across the pond). Only the New York/San Fransisco Giants have more victories. It goes to show you, it's not the number of wins, but when they happen.

This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA."

"That's very interesting, I've never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.

The guy fires one off and sure enough, the doctor hears "HONDA!" After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guys farts say, "HONDA."

Finally, as a last resort, the doctors send him to a dentist. After listening to the problem, the dentist opens up the guys mouth and examines it.

"A-haa!!!!, says the dentist "....I have solved the problem."

"What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc"

The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth." "Yeah....so?", says the guy, "What has that got to do with my farts?"

The dentist replies . . . "Can't you see, Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA."

As per my schedule as show above, I don't have a lot of time to do what I call "go around the block." In that I quickly check all of the different sites where I have a profile. Mostly it is a pass by to see if I have receive any e-mails (and I know I owe a lot of people a response) and see what the latest happenings are for all my friends/contacts/buddies/whatever.

As of late, I've been working a lot harder on completing my school work. I could be seeing a former colleague successfully defend her dissertation. Plus my dissertation committee has said that I'm actually making progress in the past m